The events below were recorded at the University of Popplestone and any resemblance to Imperial College is thought to be totally fanciful - Don.

VC: Hallo, is that Harry Cartwell the telephone directory director?

Anon1: No mate you’ve got the wrong number. This is the head of the yellow Post-it provision office. Harry’ll be down the pub. D’you want him to call you back? I’ll see him in a bit.

VC: Yes please, I’m the vee cee. I need to speak to him urgently.

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HC: Hallo, is that the vee cee?

Anon2: This is Victor Cuthbert speaking. You’ve got the wrong number. It’s this new telephone directory you know, that’s got me listed as VC, but the vee cee is on 78000.

HC: Hallo, is the vee cee there? Harry Cartwell here.

VC: Ah good! I am having a few problems with the telephone directory and I need your help. According to our student services index we appear to have no counselling service. I think that I am still paying for one, has something changed? And why does the safety director appear to be in the Health Centre? I have also had problems in finding the photographer.

HC: Nobody’s said nothing about a counsellor. I only put in what I’m told, see? Safety director? ’Cos it’s Health and Safety ain’t it? The photographer’s there all right though. He’s under C.

VC: Obviously so. Is his name Charles by any chance?

HC: No sir, he’s the College Photographer of course. Just above College Plan.

VC: Now, I also cannot find the Medicine Division

HC: That’s easy sir, it’s under D for Division of Medicine.

VC: I get it. So Mathematics would also be under D for Department of Mathematics?

HC: You’re pulling my leg sir. That would be confusing. It’s under M, of course.

VC: I take it that someone checked that the directory is logical?

HC: No sir, not logical, just alphabetical, that’s what I’m paid for.

VC: I cannot find anyone employ-ed in our Sequential Computing Centre listed in the index.

HC: Oops! We’ll put them in for the next issue.

VC: I notice that the lecturer in liberal arts has had FALA put after his name, and the qualifications of others have been totally ignored - my FRS for example.

HC: Don’t know what any of them things are anyway, I just put in what I’m told.

VC: As the person in charge of the directory are you not concerned that there should be uniformity in your entries. Only you can make sure of that. Those who return their forms can’t.

HC: Know nothing about uniforms here sir. That’s the security department. That’s under Reception sir.

VC: Mr Cartwell, I would like you to do something for me. If you know how to use the ’phone, please ring Personnel, which you will find in the Administrative keyword index under Employee Relations and give them a message on my behalf.

HC: Yes sir! What’s the message?

VC: Please tell them to give you your cards. YOU’RE FIRED!!